Help
by Kat-of-the-Streets
Summary: Edith decides to tell Cora about the pregnancy. Oneshot.


"Mama, can I ask you something? You don't think I'm bad, do you?"

"You can be a bit sharp tongued every now and then. But, bad? No."

"Sometimes I have bad feelings. "

"We all have bad feelings, it's acting on them that make you bad."

She feels her mother touch her face, something her mother hasn't done for a long time and she wonders why. Maybe because she is an adult, maybe because she wanted it that way. She once told her parents that she didn't need hugs and kisses anymore because she wasn't a child anymore and her parents had smiled at that and said "If that is what you wish," and then acted accordingly. Of course her mother hugged her and tried to comfort her after Anthony had left her at the altar, and her mother had been more or less successful, she had shown her that she wasn't alone in the world. Although she certainly feels that way right now. But if her mother was able to help her back then, maybe she would be able to help her now. She had been sure that her parents were disappointed in her after that wedding gone wrong, but they hadn't been disappointed, although they certainly would be disappointed now. She, the child they have always loved the least, would have disappointed them the most and thereby proven them right in their affections. She can't stop her tears from falling now, she is blinded by them and so she doesn't realize that her mother has gotten up and sat down next to her until she feels her mother's arm around her shoulder. "Oh, my darling girl. I wish you'd tell me what made you so sad. I know it has something to do with Michael Gregson, but I think there is more to it than you let on. I know you don't want our help, but don't forget that your Papa and I are more than willing to help you. We love you." But not as much as you love Mary, she thinks.

"If you knew you wouldn't love me anymore. Even less than you do now." She can feel rather than hear her mother sigh.

"Edith, we love you very much and no less than Mary. Both your father and I love our children equally, and we wish we could make you believe that."

"Even if I believed that, I couldn't tell you. You'd hate me, and I couldn't stand you or Papa hating me."

"We could never hate you. No matter what you have done, we could never hate you." She wants to believe it, but she can't and so she just shakes her head.

"Edith, I am sure that you did not commit cold-blooded murder, so there is nothing," she has to stop her mother now, she can't stand this.

"I almost committed cold-blooded murder, I almost killed a child." Her mother doesn't say anything for what feels like an eternity but she doesn't let go of her either and she wonders what that means. Maybe her mother hasn't understood, she hopes she hasn't, she regrets every word she has said during this conversation.

"But you've kept it." So her mother did understand. She nods and there are more tears she can't stop from falling.

"And that is why you are going to Switzerland with Rosamund." She nods again and expects her mother to get up and leave and telephone Rosamund and tell her off for wanting to help. But her mother pulls her closer to her, places a kiss on the top of her head and says "We can't talk about that here, not now anyway. But please come to my room tonight, so that we can talk. And don't be afraid, I only want to help. You have to believe that, my darling girl. Please." She doesn't really believe it, but she nods and her mother says "So you promise that you'll come to me tonight?" She nods again.

"Good," her mother says and kisses her again. She looks at her mother and can see her look around the room to see if there is anyone else around. "Edith, you've made the right decision. By keeping it, I mean." Her mother gives her another kiss, this time on the cheek, and then hand her a tissue.

"Dry your tears child. I know it is hard for you, very hard, but don't despair. Don't forget that there are people in this world who will always love you."

She considers not going to her mother that night, but she made a promise and she won't break it, quite beside the fact that she is sure that her mother would come to her room otherwise and for some reason she'd prefer to talk about this in her mother's room, if she has to talk about it all.

"Come in," her mother says, almost cheerfully and when she enters the room, she sees her mother sitting on her bed, a book on her lap and there is something slightly off about the room, but she can't point her finger to it.

"Hello Mama."

"Sit down on the chair, or the bed, wherever you like." She hesitates for a moment, but then decides to sit down on the edge of the bed. She doesn't know why.

"Thank you." She doesn't know why she says this either, it was stupid, but her mother doesn't seem to be bothered.

"How are you? Really I mean?"

Before she left her room, she swore herself that she would be strong, that she would calmly tell her mother about her plans, tell her that there was nothing to worry about and that everything was taken care of and most of all she swore herself that she wouldn't cry. But the concern in her mother's voice let's her forget everything she swore herself to do or not do.

"I am horrible, Mama. I am so scared that Michael won't come back, I am scared of the pregnancy, I am scared of the birth and I feel dizzy and I constantly feel as if I have to throw up. And I am scared of the moment that I will have to give my child away." And then she begins to cry. Her mother takes her hands and for second time that day just lets her cry. When she has calmed down, her mother puts a finger under her chin and lifts her head up.

"Edith, child, look at me. Most of those things we can deal with, not of all them, but most of them. But you have to let me help and your father needs to know."

"I am scared of telling him, I don't want to see the disappointment in his face."

"Then let me tell him, let me deal with his disappointment. He will get over it quickly, I am sure." She isn't sure about that, not at all. She thinks it isn't unlikely that her father will hate her for the rest of her life.

"How can you be sure?"

"I've been married to him for almost 34 years, I know him very well. And I know how to break such news to him. Believe me, in the end it will better if your father knows the truth."

She can only nod at this, she doesn't know what to say. Her mother seems to realize that she can't speak right now, so she continues, in a very gentle voice.

"Please accept your father's offer to send another private detective to Germany. Who knows, he might be able to find out more, and if he doesn't, then at least you've tried. And don't give up hope, Michael might still be found."

"You have no idea how hard it is not to give up hope." How can her mother even assume that she even has inkling of how she feels?

"I do have an idea. I had no idea where your father was when he was in South Africa. I got a letter from him about every four weeks, so I always knew that he had still been alive four weeks in the past. And sometimes I wouldn't get a letter from him for two or three months and the war office refused to tell me anything. So I know what you are going through, although of course I wasn't pregnant at that time."

"I forgot about that Mama, I am sorry."

"Don't be sorry about that. Your Granny and I tried to make life as normal and as happy for you and you and sisters as possible while your father was at war. I am glad that you don't remember much of it."

"Thank you for that."

"You are welcome, my dear. Now, about the other things. It is perfectly normal for you to be afraid of being pregnant. Your father and I waited for more than one and a half years for me to become pregnant and when I found out that I was, I wished that I wasn't. Not because I didn't want a child, I wanted it very much, we both wanted that, but because of what happened to my body. I thought I was going crazy and the constant dizziness drove me almost mad. I had to stay in bed for four weeks, I could only go to the bathroom and even then I sometimes needed help. But it got better over time."

"Were you afraid of the birth?"

"Every single time. That got worse with every pregnancy too, but then neither you or your sisters entered this world without causing a fuss. Mary was 11 days late and then it took her 24 hours to make the final decision to come into this world, you were on time but breech and refused to turn for hours on end and Sybil was almost four weeks early and the birth only lasted three hours but is was painful beyond believe. But it was all worth it and I'd go through it all again in a heartbeat."

"It was worth it for you, but it won't be for me. I won't see my child grow up, I will have to give it away."

"No you don't. It is your decision in the end, but if I were you, I wouldn't do it, I'd keep the child."

"No, you wouldn't. The scandal,"

"The scandal is not worth losing a child. Don't give your child away, Edith."

"What do you know about losing a child?" For a second her mother looks as if she was about to slap her and she wonders what she has said until, as in a slow motion, she remembers her words. "Oh God, Mama, I am sorry, I am so sorry, I didn't know what I was saying, I didn't think, I got too caught up in my own problems. Please forgive me Mama, please, I didn't mean it." She knows she is begging but what else is she supposed to do?

Her mother swallows once and the says

"Thank you for apologizing. I know this must be very hard for you and I will overlook this. But Edith, the singular two worst days of my life were the day that Sybil died and the day that I lost your brother. And drawing from those experiences, I can only ask you to not give up your child."

"I forgot about the boy." She really did forget, she hasn't thought about her brother in years. The boy never lived, to her knowledge he was still so small at birth that he didn't drew a single breath. It wasn't even a real birth after all, it was a miscarriage. It had made her sad for a few days, she had felt sorry for her parents, but she then moved on and forgot all about it.

"He wasn't real to you. But he was to your father and me and it was very, very painful to lose him. And your child will be real to you."

"It already is and that makes it all the harder."

"Then stop thinking that you have to give that child up. Keep it, we will find a way. I can't think of one right now, but we will come up with something. Your father is quite good at making up stories."

"But Mama, I won't be welcomed anywhere, I couldn't even live here. What will you say when you have guests? This is our daughter and her bastard child? If I kept the child I'd not only ruin myself, I'd ruin the whole family."

"I'd much rather the family was a topic of conversation for a few weeks than never meet my grandchild and have you desperately unhappy."

"Mama, we would be ruined forever."

"No, we wouldn't be. This family is rather unconventional anyway. Your grandfather married the almost penniless daughter of a baronet for love. Your father a rich American for money. A Turkish diplomat died in your older sister's bed and your younger sister married the family chauffer. You are just keeping up with the tradition. Yes, people will talk, but they always talk. Let them. And if there are a few families who think that they should sever ties with us, then so be it. But I doubt there will be."

"Mary will kill me."

"Mary will roll her eyes, but she does that about 50 times a day anyway, so just ignore it, I do too." She can't help it, but she has to laugh at this.

"I am glad you are laughing. Being happy will be good for the baby. I know you can't really be happy until Michael is back, but maybe you could have a few happy moments."

"Maybe." This conversation has given her hope. Maybe she isn't alone after all. Her mother is on her side and maybe her father will be too.

"Edith, there is something that I don't understand. You love Michael and he loves you too. Why didn't you get married? You needn't have been afraid of us, we accepted a chauffeur, we'd have accepted a journalist."

"I know and we would have gotten married if it had been that easy." She wonders if she should really tell her mother that Michael is married.

"Edith, please. This will be a lot easier if I know the whole story."

"You know that Michael is older than me. About 15 years ago, he married another woman, a woman called Lizzy. He loved her very much, they were very happy, not unlike you and Papa I think. But then about four or five years ago, Lizzy became seriously sick, mentally sick. She forgot everything around her, she couldn't remember Michael anymore or even her own name. In short, she turned into a lunatic and eventually Michael had to put her into an asylum. And there she still is today. And because she is still alive, we can't get married, because in the eyes of the law Michael is still married. To a lunatic who isn't the woman he married anymore, who doesn't remember him, but they are still married. And he can't divorce her, because in England, lunacy is no reason for a divorce."

"And I suppose that it is in Germany." That was not the reaction she expected of her mother.

"Yes."

"So he went to Germany to be able to get a divorce to be able to marry you."

"Yes."

"He must love you very much."

"He does."

"Edith, why didn't you tell us? Your father might have been able to pull some strings. You have to let your Papa help now. Maybe he can involve the embassy."

"Will he help me? Will the Earl of Grantham help a daughter who carries a married man's bastard child?"

"Yes. There is no doubt about it." She wishes she could trust her father as much as her mother does, but ever since she overheard him talking to and then kissing that maid in the library, she has had a few doubts about her father.

"Why do you trust him like that?"

"Why would I not?"

"Because of that maid."

"What maid?"

"Oh Mama, you know what I mean. That maid that he kissed in the library and then sent away."

"I have no idea what you are talking about. Your father never kissed a maid."

"Yes he did. He said that she should leave because he didn't want anything to happen and then" She stops herself because her mother has gone as pale as a sheet.

"Oh God, you didn't know."

"No. When did that happen?"

"Around the time you had to the Spanish flu."

"Well, that's more than three years in the past then."

"Mama, I am sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it, it wasn't my place to do so."

"You didn't know that I didn't know. Don't worry."

"Please don't be mad at Papa."

"I am trying my best. And I think I'll be successful. Don't worry child, it happened years ago at a time that was very strange for us. It was the first we ever had any sort of marital problems."

"Will you have them again now?"

"I don't think so." She notices that her mother has taken one of the pillows behind her back and is now holding onto it. And then she knows what is slightly off about the room.

"You are on Papa's side of the bed."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"He isn't here. I always sleep on his side of the bed if he isn't home. I don't know why. I just do."

"I think I'll go to bed, Mama."

"Yes. You should rest. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

She has nightmares the whole night, she is used to them by now, she's had nightmares for weeks, but they always were about Michael and the child. The nightmares she has now are about her parents. About her parents fighting and separating and divorcing. She wishes she had held her tongue, it is something she has to learn desperately. Her mother said she wasn't really mad at her father, but she is still scared. Because if her mother changed her mind and her parents really fought about it and separated, then it would all be her fault.

She watches her mother carefully the next day for any signs of discomfort, but her mother seems to be her usual cheerful self, except for the fact that she seems to be slightly on edge.

"Mama, are you alright?" She asks her in a quiet moment.

"Yes, just a little exhausted, but the bazar actually is today, so it'll be better soon. And I am a little worried about your father because I haven't heard from him in days. But I am sure there is a good reason for it, Harold probably got himself into even more trouble and your father is busy sorting it out."

"It does sound like Uncle Harold."

"And like your Papa." Her mother smiles a very dreamy smile when she says this and she wonders what it means, but forgets all about it once Rosamund comes to her to talk about Switzerland. She has decided to not tell her aunt yet that her mother knows about the baby and will tell her father, she wants to wait with that until she knows what her father thinks.

The bazar serves its purpose, a lot of money is raised, Mary gets to show off the future Earl and she herself is distracted from her dark thoughts. When she sees her father arriving in front of the house she becomes slightly apprehensive, not only because she knows that he will soon know about her baby, but also because she still isn't sure whether she hasn't done considerable damage to her parents' marriage. Her father is in a rather jovial mood when he greets them all and when she sees her mother walking across the lawn she turns back to her father and notices how his expression, his posture, all of him changes. He seems to forget everything around him and only her mother seems to be left in his world. She watches as her parents walk towards each other and she can hear her mother say "You're back. I can't believe it." Her father says something she doesn't understand, but it makes her mother smile and then they kiss, in front of everyone at the bazar, but they don't even seem to notice.

She didn't know what to think about her husband kissing someone else over three years ago during a very difficult time of their marriage until she saw him standing on their lawn. In that moment she knew that it didn't matter to her, she loves him more than life and a few stolen kisses during a very difficult time won't change that. Except for a very short time that he spends with his mother and sister, he doesn't leave her side for the rest of the day and he is incredibly sweet to her. He keeps holding her hand and she knows that they are probably making fools out of themselves, but she doesn't really care, she enjoys Robert's attentions too much to stop him.

"Let's not use the traditional seating arrangement tonight."

"Your mother will have a fit."

"I don't care. It's only us, the girls, Tom, Rosamund, Isobel and Mama. Except for Mama, no one cares about this sort of thing anyway and I've missed you so much."

"Well, Lord Grantham, on your head be it." Robert takes her by the hand then and leads her downstairs. Before they enter the drawing room, he tells Carson to change the seating order to 'private' to which the butler raises his eyes but only nods.

Surprisingly, Robert's mother doesn't have a fit but only asks Robert whether he has brought 'new American manners' home with him, a comment that Robert chooses to ignore.

A few hours later, when they are in bed and she is resting her head on Robert's shoulder and absentmindedly plays with the hairs on his chest, she suddenly remembers that there is a very important and serious conversation she needs to have with her husband. She wishes they didn't have to have that conversation now, they are so blissfully happy to finally be together again, but she can't put this off for too long because Edith needs help.

"Robert?"

"Hm?"

"Are you asleep?"

"Almost."

"There is something we have to talk about."

"Now?"

"I am afraid so. I forgot all about it until right now or I'd have told you sooner." Maybe it is better that she did forget, because Robert is usually the easiest to talk to after they have 'done their duty' as he still likes to say, albeit jokingly. Although of course it is much more than that and not a duty, in no sense of the words because she is too old to have another child.

"Alright, darling. I am listening." She knows he is still half asleep.

"It's about Edith. I talked to her yesterday and she is very unhappy and not just because of Michael Gregson vanishing, although it all goes back to that, I suppose."

"Well?"

"Robert, this isn't easy for me to say. Please don't fly of the handle."

"If you say that, you are usually about to tell me something that is even worse than my imaginings."

"She's pregnant."

"That's what's different about her."

"What?"

"When I saw her again today, I thought she looked different. Less, I don't know, edgy. More like Mary and you."

"What?"

"More motherly, I suppose. Although of course this is a disaster. I suppose Gergson is the father."

"Yes."

"Is that why she wants to go to Switzerland with Rosamund?"

"Yes. She plans to have the baby there and then give it up for adoption."

"She can't do that. No matter how horrible the scandal would be, she can't give her child away."

"I am glad we agree." She never doubted they would, Robert loves their girls too much to let one of them give up a child.

"After Sybil and Matthew and our boy, we can't," but he stops speaking and she can feel him take a few deep calming breaths.

"No, we can't. But we have to think about how to deal with this. However, there is more."

"What more could there be?"

"Michael Gregson is married to a woman who lives in an asylum and doesn't remember him. He can't get a divorce in England, because lunacy is no reason for a divorce, not here at least. But it is in Germany. That is why he went there. To become a German and to get a divorce."

"Oh dear God. Why didn't she tell me? I would have tried to pull some strings. I could have talked to members of the government, maybe even the Lord Chancellor."

"I asked her that. She was scared we would be disappointed."

"I am disappointed, I thought she had more sense than that."

"Robert, please don't tell her that. She feels bad enough as it is."

"Why can't our daughters just be happy, Cora? Is there anything that we have done wrong?"

"No. Life just isn't as straightforward anymore as it used to be."

"It was so easy for us. Get married, have children, be happy."

"We were very lucky, darling."

He wakes up after a fitful sleep early the next morning and sees that his wife is already awake and looking at him. He is so glad to be home, although he wished he had come home to a home less troubled. They have been through so much, he thinks it was about time there lives became easier and happier again. He wonders why his daughters and to some extent even his wife are so afraid of disappointing him. If Edith had just told him the truth, all of it, he would have done everything in his power to help. And if Mary or at least Cora had told him about the Pamuk incident right away, Mary and Matthew could have been happy years earlier and maybe that fatal accident wouldn't have happened then. But he can't allow his thoughts to go down that road. So he looks into his wife's pale blue eyes to keep himself grounded. She smiles a faint smile at him and then strokes his cheek.

"I love you," she says and this makes him smile. They have been through so much, but their love has prevailed.

"I love you too."

"We should go and talk to Edith now."

"Yes. But I at least have to put on some sort of clothes." It only takes him five minutes to put on trousers and a shirt and then he takes his wife by the hand and leads her to their daughter's room.

Edith is already awake and looks as pale as a sheet and he feels incredibly sorry for her.

"Edith," he says as he sits down on her bed and takes her hand. She doesn't say anything, but the tears running down his daughter's face speak volumes. "Don't cry child, worse things have happened in this world." Cora squeezes his shoulder at that and this leads him to go on. "I wish you had told me right away, all of it. I would have tried to help. But it isn't too late yet."

"But it is. Michael has vanished." His daughter is shaking with sobs now.

"I'll send a private detective to Munich today. I'll try to involve the embassy. We'll try everything to find him. And in the meantime, my darling girl, you have to rest. Don't overtax yourself, try not to worry too much. I know it is almost impossible."

"Papa, I am sorry."

"Don't be child. What choice did you have? Sometimes we can't help our feelings and needs. And as I once said to Mary as well, you are not the first Crawley to make a mistake."

"No. Pamuk died in Mary's bed and you kissed that maid." It costs him all his got to not yell at his daughter now. She may have just made his marriage very difficult because he never told Cora about Jane, he thought it would be better if she didn't know, he thought it would be too painful for her to bear. She lets go of his shoulders now, he is afraid of what this means.

"Edith," she says and he hears her voice as if it was from very far away. "We are trying to help you. Please don't make this more difficult than it already is. Your Papa is prepared to face a huge scandal, and so am I as a matter of fact, to help you."

"I know Mama. I am sorry."

"Who else besides Rosamund knows about the baby?"

"Just Granny. She guessed what was going on. She said she'd pay for Rosamund's and my stay in Switzerland."

He is glad that his mother already knows because he won't have to be the one to tell her then.

"Does she think you should give up the baby?" It is Cora who asks this.

"I don't know. But she thought I should tell you."

He knows that regardless of his own fear of Cora's fury which she seems to keep at bay very well right now, he will have to put their daughter at ease.

"Edith, we haven't made a plan yet. But we will talk to your aunt and grandmother and also to Mary and possibly Tom. I am sure that we will find a way to deal with this. If nothing else seems practical, you could always really go to Switzerland, have the baby there, bring the baby back and say that it was the baby of friend who died and asked you to take care of it. Although I don't consider that to be an ideal solution because you would never be able to really acknowledge your own child then. It would of course be best if we found Michael."

"Thank you Papa."

"You are tired, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"Then go to sleep and dream of a better world."

Both he and Cora give their daughter a kiss on the cheek and when they leave the room Cora squeezes his hand and then stops them in their tracks and turns towards him.

"You are a wonderful father, Robert. I know you are disappointed, I know this must be a lot harder for you than it is for me. I am disappointed too, but I think," he has to stop her know, he can't listen to her praise of him, he has to come clean to her about Jane.

"Cora, what Edith said about the maid,"

"Let's not discuss this in the hallway." She pulls him into their room again and sits down on her bed.

"What Edith said about the maid, it is true. I did kiss another woman. Around the time you had the Spanish flu. I" Cora has gotten up again and put a finger to his lips.

"Darling I know, Edith already told me the day before yesterday. She thought I knew, she didn't mean any harm. And I don't care. It happened years ago, during a very troubled time for us. You made a stupid mistake but since then you have shown me how much you love me countless times. You went to America to save my hopeless brother because I asked you to do so and I know you did it out of love for me. And that is just one of the many things have done that show how devoted you are to me and that is all that matters. I love you, Robert, very much."

"I am so sorry, I"

"Don't darling, please don't. Let's just forget about it. We've got enough to deal with as it is." What his wife has just said to him makes him love her even more, if that is possible because he already loves her more than he could ever say. So he kisses her and then says "I love you too."

"Let's go back to bed darling. Let's have one more peaceful hour before we have to deal with our unmarried daughter's pregnancy."

He follows her to bed, puts his arms around her the same way he has done for the past 33 years and then falls asleep.

She knows she should sleep, but she can't. She wants to apologize to her parents because she thinks that she has made matters worse. It seemed to her as if her mother hadn't told her father yet that she knew about the maid, as if they hadn't talked about that yet. So she goes to their room, she thinks that they are probably both in there now and she hopes they aren't fighting because she couldn't hold her tongue. She knocks and when she doesn't get an answer, she silently opens the door and looks into her mother's room and what she sees makes her smile. She watches her parents sleep arm in arm for a short while and wishes so much that she could have that kind of love too that it hurts. And she decides to finally accept her parents help.


End file.
